Saturday, July 19, 2014

June Recap

Three to get ready.  Two for the show.  One "for the money" to go.

As the track dust settled and the last of the skaters geared down on June 21st in the Bayou Music Center, The Bayou City Bosses, The Brawlers and the Psych Ward Sirens had crowded themselves into a 3-way tie for first place in the league standings at 3 wins and 2 losses each.  Only two of those teams get to compete for Houston Roller Derby League Champion on August 16th; and, they only have one more rankings game to decide who goes.

Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Bosses.

As I so eruditely predicted last month, the Bayou City Bosses got in touch with their feelings of chippiness and channeled them into a victory over the Psych Ward Sirens.  What I did not know at the time of my prediction was the Sirens would not have their go-to jammer available for the game.  Brand-Aid (#26) was absent (with leave?) due to a pre-existing family condition known as "Grandma’s birthday party”-itis.  While Grandma-Aid got the girl; the Bosses got the gift.

Thanks to you-know-who-you-are for a few stats.  When Brand-Aid dons the star cover,  she earns Lead Jammer 63% of the time.  She has a 5.3 PPJ (Points Per Jam) average and she jams 16 times (equals almost 85 points) on average per game.   But, that’s just averages.  When the Sirens beat the Bosses in March, Brand-Aid chalked up an actual 117 of the Sirens 218 total points.  

So while Little Red #26 went over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house, the big bad Bosses went roaming the trackside without having to deal with her as a scoring threat - posting a 216 to 90 Final Score.  

I am not saying that if the Sirens had been able to apply a Brand-Aid to the wounding, they would have necessarily won the game.  The Bosses definitely demonstrated that they wanted the “W” more than the remains of the Sirens.  But the game sure as hella-would have been closer than 126 points.  Who knows?  Perhaps Gramma-Aid is actually a Bosses fan; and maybe, a picnic basket full of a 126-point smackdown against the Sirens was just the special gift that a special lady wanted on her special day.

Do Blue Chickens Dream of Green Skaters?

After only a couple of point scoring jams by Freight Train (#22) and N. Fuego (#585), The Brawlers had duckwalked to a commanding 44 to 0 lead over the Valkyries in game 2 of the June 21st double-header.  With half time approaching, The Brawlers had extended their lead to 55 points (87 points to the Valks 32).

But, just when it looked like The Brawlers could set the cruise control and coast to victory, they suddenly got all kinds of mystified.  Valkyries jammer, Mystified (#0), to be more precise.

Near the end of the first half, Mystified went track-meet on The Brawlers - scoring 34 points while her teammates Speed O (#3), Kelly Killpowsky (#93) and Loco Meaux Tion (#555) had opened up a Recycling Center on Brawlers jammer Elly Gone Gonzo (#38).  Elly never got out of her initial pass and went GonZero for the jam.  That 34-point shutout was the Valkyries momentum shifter.  

With Big Mo’ on their side, Bullet Sucker (#950) followed with a 10-point shutout and Hot Assets (#751) capped it with a 15-point shutout of her own to move the Valks ahead of The Brawlers 91 to 87 at the half.  The Valkyries never looked back; and, The Brawlers never quite caught up.

But the bout ain’t over ‘til the fat referee bee-ooo-weeps.  With the game clock running out, Brawlers coach Chicken had dreams of one last jam and one last chance to avoid a loss.  The Brawlers jammer Flyon Maiden (#666) had earned Lead Jammer and the Valks jammer Mystified (#0) had earned a trip to the penalty box.  A hit-it-and-quit-it Call Off by Flyon would have set up one more (power) jam with less than a minute remaining and only 17 points separating the two teams.  

Chicken’s dream of a Call Off and a Power Jam abruptly ended however with an ill-advised  Flyon Maiden Star Pass to Radium DK (#88).  Radium picked up where Flyon left off - finishing a 5 point pass and adding 4 more for The Brawlers.  But by then, the game clock had gone to zero and the Valkyries Win record went from zero to one with a final score of 170 to 162.

Three teams enter, one team leaves.

The three teams in contention for the coveted 1 and 2 Champs spots control their own fate.

The short version is thus:  Whoever wins the Bosses v. Brawlers game on July 19th, goes to Champs on Aug 16th.  The Sirens go to Champs with a win against the Valkyries.  The Valkyries will be playing for 3rd place at Champs no matter who or what happens.

The less-than-short version involves a Sirens loss to the Valkyries.  A Sirens loss would put them in a tie for 2nd with the loser of the Bosses v. Brawlers games and the tie-breaker would be decided by margin of victory (or defeat) over the season.   Thanks to exhaustive web-surfing, an assumption-laced spreadsheet and several adult beverages, here are the numbers I have.

Of the three teams, The Brawlers have the highest accumulated over/under margin at 180 points.  The Bosses have the next highest at 87 points and the Sirens (thanks in large part to June’s loss by 126 points) have the lowest at 28 points.

So if the Sirens lose to the Valks by just 1 point, they would need The Brawlers to beat the Bosses by at least 61 points or the Bosses to beat The Brawlers by 154 in order to skate clockwise-direction into a Champs spot.  

Were Ifs and Buts all beers and nuts, we’d all be wasted and full.  

At the risk of sounding fanboy,  if you miss (or even show up late to) The Brawlers v. Bosses Game 1 on July 19th, you may need to have your derby-fan card suspended.  Because, while I highly expect the Bosses to take the Win and a trip to Champs, The Brawlers have had time to get their minds right and will NOT go down without a rumble.  And, not to take anything away from the Valkyries or their very vocal fans in Game 2, but a fully (I repeat *fully*) staffed Ward full of Psych’d Sirens is a difficult thing to put on lockdown.

~The great white T. Burón

Saturday, June 21, 2014

New Editorial Writer ~The great white T. Burón

May Game Recap

Yes, Virginia, there is a Siren Loss.   
The HRD May, 2014 Home games at the Bayou Music Center saw the Psych Ward Sirens plow stop 35 points short of maintaining their undefeated status in a 149 to 184 loss to The Brawlers.  Now hold on to your hat, your beer or whatever you feel like holding, Virginia (or is it “VirginKneeYa”?),  because that loss to The Brawlers means the Sirens and Brawlers are now tied for first place  in the league standings  at 3 wins and 1 loss each.
Asterisks and excuses are unnecessary.  Yes, the Sirens were missing four skaters due to various reasons which I am sure were all plausible and mostly believable (Jekyll & Heidi (#21) vacationing, Eenie Meanie (#55) moved, Syrenge (#911) on 9-months LOA,  Marianne Morgue (#419) and Maul McCartney (#9) - not sure).  But roller derby, like all sports, suffers the disabled list and attrition and, um, vacation schedules I guess.
The fact is, The Brawlers brought their “A” game and their “A” players - with only Patti Painz (#9669) still in painz from her break and Pirouette Threat (#604) having moved out of town to maybe find some tights to accompany her barely booty shorts.
The stage is now set and the next two months will tell the tale.  Both teams have two more rankings games to play (June, July) before the HRD League Championships in August.
The Sirens may (I said “may”) have the tougher of the two games.  On June 21st, they go up against the Bayou City Bosses, who are 2-2 for the 2014 season, in the first game of the double-header at Bayou Music Center.   
In the most positive, least derogatory sense of the word, the Bosses have been playing the game with a bit of an attitude lately.  Lately?  Okay, how about a bit more so in a noticeable way?  Is it safe to come out yet?  With players like Betty Watchett (#19) and Mayhem Angelou (#86) chasing escaping jammers with almost as much contempt as they view the 21-foot Out of Play mark; and, a star-cover-wearing Voodoo Dollie (#9) acting like an opponent’s four wall is more like an insult than a barrier, one senses that the Bosses have all been playing the game with a huge chip on their shoulder...and hip...and maybe the occasional elbow.  If the indignation of Mary Queen of Skates (#1542) or the “this hit ain’t personal it’s just business” of Jenetic Defect (#S10W) or the “Oh, no you didn’t!” of Mommy Fearest (#15) can spur the rest of the Bosses to make The Pack an inhospitable place for the Sirens jammers, do not be shocked if the Final Score tips in favor of the ladies in black.
The Brawlers on the other hand, go up against the Valkyries in the second game of the June 21 double header.  
The Valkyries’ 0-4 record would seem to indicate an easy peasy lemon squeezy game for The Brawlers.  But before you bet your buddy a beer on The Brawlers, let me give you some points to ponder, pardner.
The Valks are a curious mix of old-school brawn but newer-school brains.  Veteran skater Goldie BloXX (#007) has two types of backwards-skating (mostly in the derby direction) shoulder hits: hard and harder.  I would describe returned-veteran Speed’O (#3) as both wiley and wiry on the track, but only if she took it as a compliment or I was safely out of retribution range.  The Valks have some muscle.  But just to name a not-so few skaters like Bazinga (#73), Bullet Sucker (#950), Chiro-Fracture (#35FT), Hot Assets (#751), Dutch Destroyer (#201) and (where in the world is) Carmen Geddit at bench coach, The Valks have a combined IQ that would rival many industrialized countries.  So if The Valkyries either live up to their namesake wing-bedecked Norse warrior goddesses or a crafty cosplay outcropping of Mensa members, their 0-4 record may belie a very real ability to play the spoiler role during these last few games of the 2014 season.

All that sets the June 21st,  Bayou Music Center double-header up to be a very interesting set of games to watch indeed.    Even if (as I am predicting here, derby fans) the Bosses do parlay their attitude issues into a win over the Sirens, you can rest assured the Sirens won’t let it happen in a hugsy-kissy, derby-love sort of way.  And while I will take that Brawlers-for-a-beer bet over the Valks, I won’t venture any point spread - because my feeling is that the Valks will make it a close one.

~The great white T. Burón

Monday, January 20, 2014

2013 League Awards

2013 was an AMAZING year, and on Saturday, January 18, we had our annual Houston Roller Derby award ceremony to celebrate it. Here are the award recipients for the 2013 Season:

Thank You Awards

PR Award: Blown Apart
Contribution Award: Bill Shirley, Jessie Jams
Sponsor of the Year: Brian Trafton with Adrenaline Factory
Super Fan Award: Reggie Bibbs, Lou Congelio
Most Tickets Sold: Mommy Fearest 

Fun Awards: 

Miss Congeniality: Bullet Sucker
Purple Heart: Speedo
Hardest Hitter: Freight Train 

Fan Favorites Awards:

The Brawlers

Fan Favorite Blocker: Freight Train
Fan Favorite Jammer: Flyon Maiden
Fan Favorite Brawler: Freight Train 

The Valkyries

Fan Favorite Blocker: Goldie BloXX
Fan Favorite Jammer: The Branimal
Fan Favorite Valkyrie: Hot Assets 

Psych Ward Sirens

Fan Favorite Blocker: Jekyll & Heidi
Fan Favorite: Jammer- SyRenge
Fan Favorite Siren: Mistilla the Killa 

Bayou City Bosses

Fan Favorite Blocker: Betty Watchett
Fan Favorite Jammer: Big Bad Voodoo Dollie
Fan Favorite Boss: Betty Watchett 

HRD Knockouts

Fan Favorite Blocker: Mommy Fearest
Fan Favorite Jammer: Feisty
Fan Favorite Knockout: Mary Queen of Skates 

Houston All Stars 

Fan Favorite Blocker- Freight Train
Fan Favorite Jammer- Death by Chocolate
Fan Favorite Skater- Death by Chocolate 


Machete Betties Rec League

Best Attendance: Mystified
Most Valuable Bettie: Shaedistic 

The Brawlers Awards 

Best Teammate: Acupuncher
Best Blocker: Freight Train
Best Jammer: Flyon Maiden
MVP: Freight Train 

The Valkyries Awards 

Best Teammate: Yawanna Belize, Global Warman
Best Blocker: Goldie BloXX
Best Jammer: The Branimal
MVP: Carmen Geddit 

Psych Ward Sirens Awards

Best Teammate: Bustin Beaver
Best Blocker: Jekyll & Heidi
Best Jammer: SyRenge
MVP: Brand-Aid 

Bayou City Bosses Awards

Best Teammate: Betty Watchett, Big Bad Voodoo Dollie
Best Blocker: Betty Watchett
Best Jammer: Big Bad Voodoo Dollie
MVP: Shawshank ​ 

HRD Knockouts Awards

Best Teammate: Mary Queen of Skates
Best Blocker: Mommy Fearest
Best Jammer: Bustin Beaver
MVP: Mary Queen of Skates 

Houston All Stars Awards

Best Teammate: Lisa Lava, Hot Assets
Best Blocker: The Angie Christ
Best Jammer: Death by Chocolate
MVP: Death by Chocolate 

League Awards: 

Best NSO: Jesse Jams
Most Improved Skater: Erma Gerd
Official of the Year: Private Been Jammin'
Rookie of the Year: The Branimal
2013 Champions: The Bayou City Bosses

Congratulations to all of our 2013 award winners! Here's to another wonderful season with Houston Roller Derby - look out 2014!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

HRD Helps Out At Houston Food Bank

Derby skaters love to eat, which is not really a surprise, since athletic women need to consume up to 2,400 calories a day to keep up with their active lifestyles. And for every skater on Houston Roller Derby who loves trying out the newest low-fat vegan recipe, there are still others who are known to get down on some chili cheese fries. 

Whatever our diet, most of us are lucky enough to never have to worry about our pantry shelves going empty. That's why we were honored to volunteer for those in our community who don't get to have that peace of mind. A group of 24 HRD members and volunteers headed to the Houston Food Bank on Saturday to help the bank in their mission to feed the city's food insecure. 

We learned about how one local straight-A high school student purposefully flunked her classes so she could go to summer school -- just so she could eat. We learned how the bank provides up to 64,000 meals each year to families in the Houston area. And we learned a little about the hard work it takes to provide that much assistance to the community. 


HRD is proud to be a part of the Houston community, and as a 501c3 non-profit organization we are always on the lookout for ways to give back. Thanks to Houston Food Bank for showing us the ropes and letting us lend a helping hand. Visit to volunteer or find out how they can help you.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

HRD All-Stars Take On The Texecutioners

Come see our Houston All Stars take on the Texas Rollergirls in Austin, TX on Saturday, August 10!

This will be the Texas Rollergirls' FINAL HOME GAME OF THE YEAR! 

Buy tickets HERE!

Friday, August 2, 2013

HRD Promotes Back-2-School Ticket Special for August Bout

Houston Roller Derby is closing out summer with a Back-2-School special: $10 General Admission ticket with school ID when tickets are purchased at box office on August 17, 2013. Limit one ticket per ID!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Houston Roller Derby Bout 6 - Psych Ward Sirens v. Valkyries / Bayou City Bosses v. Brawlers

Come join us for our second to last bout of the season, Saturday, August 17! Houston Roller Derby is hosting its 2013 season downtown at the Bayou Music Center (formerly Verizon Wireless Theater) at 520 Texas Avenue!

The teams are gearing up for their final bouts before the championship games in September. The Valkyries are on fire after a big win against the Brawlers, and the Psych Ward Sirens avenged their one loss with a victory over the Bayou City Bosses last game as well. Will the Valkyries take it all and surprise the Sirens? Will the Sirens continue their victorious reign this season? 
The Bayou City Bosses and the Brawlers are both recovering from the July game after two upsets, both losing to teams they've already beat once this season. Now it's time for a win - who will come out on top? Come out and see how it all unfolds with us on August 17! Who are you rooting for?

Bout 1:
The Valkyries vs. The Psych Ward Sirens

Bout 2:
The Brawlers vs. The Bayou City Bosses

Doors open at 6 pm, Bouts start at 7 pm.
Each bout has two (2) 30 minute periods, with breaks in between. 
All home bouts are double headers. Get there early to ensure best seating!

Ticket Special:

Houston Roller Derby is closing out summer with a Back-2-School special: $10 General Admission ticket with school ID when tickets are purchased at box office on August 17, 2013. Limit one ticket per ID.

$15 General Admission
$25 VIP
Kids 5 and under get in free!
Tickets on sale now!

Live Music:
Glenn Bryant band

The after party:
Clutch City Squire
410 Main St
Houston, TX 77002

Charity of the month:

More Info Coming Soon!
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